And I look forward to learning.
And I look forward to learning.
I quit my job.
Lest I wasn’t clear before, let me update you. I began a new teaching position a
few short months several weeks ago. It happened swiftly. The way things fell together was downright eerie. I once drafted a lengthy a blog post about how I felt as though the whole thing was divinely orchestrated. (Thank goodness I never posted it. This would be one hell of a buzz-kill.)
A teaching job–in TORONTO.
Full-time employment in my favorite city.
The opportunity came up based on an application that I had sent in at the beginning of 2010. I hadn’t made any follow-up phone calls, sent any letters, etc.
Surely, I figured, it was meant to be.
Now as I look back, as far as I can tell, the only thing that was supposed to happen is that I was supposed to move back to Toronto. Meanwhile, as for my work in education…Well…
This square peg has decided to take a break from trying to stuff herself into a round hole.
I’ve walked away from the experience with the following pearl of wisdom:
A teacher who is
unfitnot meant to teach should not be in front of a classroom.
Your mileage may vary, but that’s my opinion.
Even though the end of the term was mere weeks away, I didn’t have the stamina to continue.
I faced a great deal of anxiety. It was affecting me physically. Yet in spite of this, every time I thought about resigning, questions kept popping up. Questions that all lead down the same roads…
What about my students?????
What about my fellow teachers? What about admin?
AHHHH AHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Just like that. Almost.)
Those questions cycled around in my head over and over without end. Ultimately, though, I had to ignore them and bring my focus deeper.
What about ME?
Since I made the decision to leave–and followed through–the mood I’ve been in in has been interesting.
In the past, when I’ve had visions of leaving teaching, I figured I’d come away triumphant. Defiant. A little like this:
(If you have an aversion to cursing and talk of vampires, don’t bother clicking.)
In fact, I first hunted down that clip ages ago, even before I got the job that I’m writing about.
And I’ll admit it. There’s a bit of Sheriff Dearborne in me. A little piece of Claire wondering why I put myself through a whole lot of mess just to close the door…
But for the most part, I feel driven and purposeful. Fear hasn’t hit me yet. I feel ambitious and ready for something. I have several ideas about the direction that my life will take. I can’t wait to see how I get there.
Since my last post I’ve been sucked into the vortex that most of you know as Real Life.
What a trip.
I asked the Lord for an opportunity to earn a regular living and live in my favorite city, and what do I get?
A job in Toronto.
Just what I wanted, right?
And although it’s a good job, and I have much to be thankful for, it’s been a bit rough. This lifestyle change is really kicking my butt.
The other day while on the bus to work at 6 am(!)–I like to be in by 7 o’clock and we start just after 8–I was thinking I could really use a grimy version of that “Comeback Kid” song that I posted the other day.
B. Reith’s nice enough and his wordplay is pop-y and clever. But navigating the minutiae of real life can be challenging and ugly. I find I’m constantly telling the devil to p!ss off.
But change is good. Thank God for growth.
Somehow I’m always touched by stories of people who managed to find God when there’s absolutely nothing left.
When everything is stripped away, I think that’s when we can see Him the most clearly…
The photo above came up during a random Google search. The source is Sean‘s blog.
Last night one of my journal entries wound its way into the following bit of random introspection. Thank You, God.
…I realize now what the problem has been.
For much of my life, a feeling has gnawed at me.
I think…I believe…I have subconsciously hoped (fitting in with) friends would fill the spaces that God has meant for me to fill, not only with Him, but through the
development cultivation of His gifts and their integration into my life.
We…My friends and I…We may share genuine interests, yet the longing to connect and be approved of on a level that only the Lord can provide…?
That must end.
I was reminded of this fact because of some correspondence between myself and Dalia. I had written her…I was frustrated over certain friends who didn’t seem to “get” me.
Initially I was drawing blanks. My mind scratched about in the dark, trying to figure out what was really wrong…Now at last I am certain: It wasn’t my friends who bothered me. Rather, it was the fact that I seemed to be misunderstood in the first place.
I have friends and acquaintances who, in spite of drastic lifestyle differences, do, in fact, “get” me. Seriously. We click like Lego.
With some people, things aren’t as effortless. At times I think we perceive each other as aliens. I don’t feel quite as…At ease as I could…And perhaps I act accordingly.
Which made me realize something.
Maybe I’m only supposed to grow so far.
Perhaps we were never meant to fit. In spite of the natural push-and-pull of this life…Not everyone was meant to get along with me. Or vice versa.
It’s funny…To think I am just now figuring out that this sort of thing is perfectly ok…
In all things, remember…
This world wants us to follow the rule.
Meanwhile God calls us to remember the exception.
That tidbit is inspired by Mark 9:23.
I shall write more on this. Hopefully sometime soon.
Something in The Old Ways isn’t working. At least not for me.
If you know me then you know I speak of God and my faith quite frequently. Freely. Yet when considering my life, I am just now realizing what a slacker I have been.
All this while I have been aching for God to help me out of my life’s struggles. Meanwhile I have been ignoring the oldest of adages.
God helps those who help themselves.
I am starting to look at everything differently…
Recently I was thinking of the brief discussion I had on this very blog with Dalia regarding prayer. Some of her words called Richard Dawkins to mind.
Now, I don’t mean that as an insult. Dalia is respectful of my beliefs. However I sensed her skepticism. Meanwhile, Dawkins takes his skepticism to a disrespectful extreme.
Lest you have been out of the loop, Dawkins is a scientist author Professional Athiest.
I once tried to read a book of his. I say “tried” because as I stood there in Indigo, after about a minute, I had to put the book down. I couldn’t get past Dawkins’ attitude. In my opinion, his concept of God is grossly inaccurate. Moreover, it’s completely contrary to mine, if not that of virtually every Christian that I know.
From what I read, I gather that Richard Dawkins thinks people believe that God is supposed to be some sort of Sugar Daddy In The Sky. Humans should be able to ask Him for something, and get whatever they want. (“Ask and ye shall receive…”, anyone?) Therefore, because this world is fraught with wars, tragedies, imperfections, and unanswered cries for help, He cannot possibly exist.
Such notions connect to my concept of prayer. I think a lot of people believe that a person prays solely because s/he wants something from God. And so, a person may pray because she wants a high mark on an exam or to have a relative spared from the ravages of disease. If said prayers are not answered, then, supposedly, that shows God’s fallibility. Or, perhaps, He just doesn’t love the pray-er enough to let the prayer (wish) come true. The next thing you know, the pray-er(s) either
1. Curse God. “I follow you. Therefore, you’re supposed to help me!!And since you haven’t, then you can $%*& off!”
2. Catch a case of the blues. “God must not love me. There must be something wrong with the way I’ve been praying or how I’ve been living. Because if there wasn’t a problem, He would give me exactly what I asked for.”
As far as I’m concerned, when people pray, they need to think of their motives. Consider what I scrawled down about a week ago:
We pray, not to get our way. Rather, so that whatever the way is, God would guide it.
Or, more specifically, that God would be present. When trials come, it isn’t always easy to see that God is guiding our circumstances.
When praying, we are appealing to the One who holds the universe in His hands. And I am not ignorant concerning the idea of praying for something in faith. Yet when you go deep into Christianity, you learn that a life of devotion to God is not about what He can do for you.
The wonder of His ways is infinite. And I am in awe of God almost incessantly. But that’s not the point.
Or is it?
I am very much in love, spiritually. Still, I feel I am at a loss when it comes to explaining the nuances of what I believe…
We are, however, on different spiritual paths.
My friend Dalia writes…
am i a cynic?
you prayed for your metropass? i read that and rolled my eyes.
last week, as you know, i lost an earring and was profoundly disappointed. the next day it occurred to me to retrace the route i’d taken the night before, and sure enough, there in the road lay my errant earring.
an act of god, or just my good luck?
Hmmm. As an aside, before I begin…As far as I’m concerned, when people refer to “luck”, they’re referring to God. Yes, that’s how seriously I take my faith. In fact, when Christian friends say things like “I was so lucky to blah blah blah…” in my head I go, “Don’t you mean ‘God really blessed me with such-and-such’?”
Also, this post isn’t meant as a smackdown. However, you could consider it a pseudo-statement of faith. People deserve to know exactly where my head is.
Just to clarify…Firstly, I pray. About everything.
Secondly, I pray when I lose things. This is second nature to me. I HATE losing things. I feel a rush of instability and anxiety and all sorts of panicky horribleness when I lose…Quite frankly, anything.
Especially something as expensive as a metropass. In addition to praying, I cursed. It’s hard not to get angry when I lose something that expensive.
In the end, I never found the mpass. However, two days ago I actually did find something I’d lost of much greater importance. Namely, my health card. I’d been praying about this as well…
When I lose something, my prayers are pretty straightforward. I pray to keep a clear head and remember, if at all possible, where I might have left said thing. Then I look to find whatever it is that I’ve lost. If I find it, I rejoice. If not, it’s a lesson learned.
Basically, it comes down to this: For better or for worse, I believe that people will give credit to what or whoever they believe deserves it. And as far as I’m concerned, every bit of good in my life comes from God.