self-care/self-aware, status report

Desperation Station


I’m still in Toronto. But I’m hanging on by my fingernails to get by.

And quite frankly, I’m wondering what for.

Recently someone who knows my story asked me why I wanted to be here so badly.

My response was simple, but interesting.

All of the things that I mentioned to her are things that I can enjoy by visiting. I know this for a fact.

Somewhere in my heart of hearts, I have made a god out of being in Toronto. I’ve become desperate and it has to stop.

Interestingly enough, the steps I’ve taken to stick around can be undone very easily. Yet one undone there’d be no turning back. And I’d have to implement the next phase of my plan–Claire, The Return.

Writer, teacher, small-town-creature indeed.

Which brings my brain back to Toronto.

How badly do I want to be here?

Do I NEED to be here?

Do I honestly want to keep struggling to achieve my goals? (YES, by the way. HOWEVER…)

When I speak of goals, are my dreams really location-dependent?

I’ve thought about it and I know perfectly well that they’re not.

There are people who will be disappointed in me if I leave. Myself included.

But more for changing my mind than anything else.


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